No Longer My Son
by Charis77
Summary: Odin recalls the past and contemplates Loki's fate.


_She wants me to spare him! I can't!_

The hefty thwack of a practice sword accompanied Odin's silent shout. His practice dummy bobbed back and forth like a drunken reveler. Unsatisfied, Odin followed with several more cuts, then cried aloud and lobbed the sword across the courtyard into the far wall. He breathed heavily, grinding his teeth. He hated losing control. He strode over to the wall and leaned down to snap up his sword. He turned, scowling at the dummy. He flung the sword with all his strength, smiling grimly when its blunt bulk shattered the dummy's head with a deafening crack.

Odin sucked in a long breath, leaning back against the wall and folding his arms across his chest, ignoring the porch across the way that beckoned him back inside the palace. The council waited, had waited too long. "I can't spare him," he whispered. His lone eye burned fiercely as the object of his wrath conjured before his mind's eye. He glared at the figure and shouted internally.

 _This has always been the way! From the time I sat on my father's knee, he preached the protection and peace of the realms safeguarded by Asgard._ His _duty._ My _duty_. Your _duty!_ Odin tightened his crossed arms into his chest. He'd followed his father, drilling the same lesson into his own children. And did they hear him? Thor recklessly tempted war with Jotunheim, intruding into their realm like a spoiled child. But he had changed, humbled once chastised. But not Loki...Not Loki...

Odin unfolded his arms and pressed a hand to his chest armor. So long ago now some details had begun to fade, he recalled the aftermath of a fierce battle, striding amongst the dead, Jotuns and Asgardians. What had he sought at the time? He didn't remember. He only recollected a sound on the edge of his hearing, a cry, not of a wounded warrior, but a child. A child? Here? He had sought its source, intrigued even as he fought the pain of his lost eye. He found himself in front of a Jotun temple and had stepped inside. Maybe he would have been impressed by Frost Giant artistry, but his attention was commanded by the tiniest child flailing on a barren rock. He'd approached, gazing downward. A blue ice child writhed. He was thin, hungry. Odin called for his second, had a wounded Jotun brought in.

"Who is this?" he'd demanded.

The Jotun cackled. "Go ahead," it had spat out. "Kill it."

Odin realized then he still held his sword. He narrowed his eyes at the Jotun's assumption he meant to take the life of an innocent infant.

" _Who_?" he asked again.

His second punched the Jotun's wounded chest and the Frost Giant coughed blood before straining out a reply. "Laufey's son, but the wretch will do you no good. Laufey will thank you for ridding him of it."

Odin flicked his wrist and his second hauled the Jotun away. Odin gazed down on the helpless waif. He'd heard tales of such abandonment, children who were deemed unworthy of life when they did not meet a Jotun's view of perfection. They were cast out to die of starvation. A horrible death.

 _I should have left him to die!_ Odin blinked his good eye, willing back emotions too near the surface. _It would have been better than...than...this._ If he had seen the future, if he had known rescuing the wailing Jotun would have led the child to this, would he have left him? Odin closed his eye, but Loki's image persisted as Odin had first seen him, held him, the infant miniscule in his large hands. At the time, his mind had conjured a justification, a plan for this child that required him saved and brought to Asgard. He could raise him in the ways of Asgard, and when the time came, this son of Laufey could take a Jotun throne and heal the rift between Asgard and Jotunheim. Odin watched the infant transform under his magic, Jotun in appearance no longer. Then and there, he had made the innocent one his son.

 _No longer innocent_. No. Guilty. Of unspeakable crimes. Murder and destruction and devastation, the peace and protection of Midgard violated, not to mention the attempted genocide of an entire realm a year ago. Everything Odin had taught and spoken of had been denied. Odin had heard and seen the reports. How Midgard now grieved! Odin opened his eye to glare at the now headless practice dummy. "Why, Loki?" he grumbled.

All had come crashing down the moment his adopted son had learned his true origin. Odin felt again the pain in his own heart as he beheld Loki gripping the Casket, his son's true nature revealed. He had never wanted him to know, to think he was anything less than the son of Odin. The plan he had formed at Loki's rescue had long ago been tossed aside. He remembered the day he'd done so. He'd visited in Loki's chamber. They'd said little of significance, but as he watched his son poring over his books, as he'd sensed his pride in Loki's fighting skill and the growth of his magic, he knew he could never send him back to a frozen kingdom. Jotunheim would never reclaim the one it had thrown away. Loki had meant nothing to them, but everything to him and Frigga and Thor. _They_ had loved him and _they_ deserved him, not Jotunheim.

Odin ground his jaw. But Loki had not seen that love, not enough of it. Odin's breath caught in his throat. On the Bifrost, when he had appeared to aid Thor and halt Loki's betrayal, Loki had looked up at him, pleading, "I could have done it, father. I could have done it. For you. For all of us." Odin winced. He'd replied simply, "No, Loki." But Loki hadn't understood all he meant. He meant more than it was the wrong thing to do. He'd meant more than Loki couldn't please him. He meant he'd never needed to do so in the first place. He'd already had Odin's pride.

Odin blinked his eye again, pushing back what threatened to expose emotional weakness. _Did I fail?_ Frigga had warned him more than once Loki felt less than his brother. Odin hadn't seen it this way. He'd done much with and for Loki. Why would his second son feel less? Yes, he had to admit he'd spent much of his time on Thor, but this had been necessary. Even when Odin himself was a child, his father had spent the lion's share of his time with him to the exclusion of his brothers. He had not done this to slight them, but to train the one who would rule Asgard. His brothers had not complained. _But had they felt less? Did I miss that, too?_

Odin put a hand to his forehead and rubbed. _Loki, could you not see my love?_ No. He couldn't, He hadn't. Odin's hand shook. _If I could go back...but I can't._

Odin pushed off the wall, striding up to the practice dummy and resting a hand on its empty neck. As much as he wished to go back, he was trapped by time. The past was the past and he had to deal with now and now, Loki had been the author of monstrous evil in the realms. Judgment was his reward for his heinous actions.

"Allfather, the council is waiting for you."

Odin jerked his hand away from the practice dummy and turned to the porch. "I'm coming!" he exploded. The servant cowered and withdrew.

Odin's face grew grim. _Frigga wants me to spare him. How can I? He has left me no choice._

* * *

Odin remained stoic as his council discussed Loki's crimes. They'd been as appalled as he. They babbled on for quite some time, shocked by the actions of one they'd once thought a loyal member of the royal family. Odin kept his eye fixed on what lay on the table in front of him-a newspaper Thor had brought back from Midgard. The council had read it same as he. It detailed the lives lost, the men and women and children. It described who they were, what they did, what they loved, those they left behind. Loki had snuffed them out without care. Odin's anger burned.

The council shifted its talk. Done with the crimes, they turned to punishment. Odin did not need to hear their reminders. Asgardian law was harsh when it came to those who violated the realms. He'd seen the punishment carried out twice in his lifetime. The council spoke matter-of-factly. Odin marveled they could feel nothing for the one they'd known from a tiny infant. For his part, as they spoke, he saw in his mind's eye his son brutally flogged, shredded to bone. If he managed to survive, his head sliced from his body, and if they were angry enough, his head displayed as a message to all would be traitors. And then his body, unceremoniously cast into the sea, weighted with rocks to sink and feed the creatures of the deep.

Frigga had begged Odin: _"I can't watch the ax fall!"_ Odin's breath quickened. His chest ached. _I can't either!_ But he couldn't admit this, not here in council, not ever. He was Allfather, duty bound to the law of Asgard.

The council became silent. They had spoken. They awaited the Allfather's judgment. Odin eyed them each in turn. Of course, they were right about what Loki deserved. But Odin's mind whirled. What if he gave them a way out?

Odin nodded. "The traitor deserves all you have advised." The council members nodded to each other. "And I agree with your assessment. However, I know this traitor better than any of you." Some of the members glanced at each other uncomfortably, but they could not deny the statement. "Flogging, death, he does not fear these. He knew the punishment and yet he willingly committed the crime." Several members nodded in agreement. Odin felt encouraged. They knew Loki enough to see the truth in his argument. "He will expect what law demands. May even welcome it. But traitors once faced another punishment. Although it has been discarded of late, the law does not oppose it-eternal confinement. This the traitor will fear. To be caged. This is a fate worse than death."

More members nodded their heads and some drew in breaths. As those blessed with long life, they could imagine the horrors of continual entrapment. Living, yet dead, all the joys of life sucked dry.

"The traitor will suffer the fate of time."

The members spoke affirmation, agreeing. They filed out of the room as Odin stood to his feet. He would face the traitor alone.

* * *

Odin hadn't seen his son since the fall on the Bifrost and as Loki marched towards him, he saw he had changed, grown pale, thinner, his hair wilder and longer. But what struck him most were the blue eyes that fixed on him steadily, emblazoned with defiance. _Who are you?_ Odin asked internally. _Where has my son gone?_ Odin cast aside the questions, forcing himself to maintain the air of the Allfather, acting as impartial judge on a wretched criminal, not as a father grieving a prodigal son.

Frigga stepped out of the shadows. "Loki."

Loki snapped his gaze to her. "Hello, mother. Have I made you proud?"

Odin's blood boiled at his arrogant tone. To treat even his mother with such disdain, she who had begged for his life even now.

"Please, don't make this worse," Frigga pleaded.

Odin's heart ached for his wife and he called out to spare her anymore of Loki's hurtful words. "Enough. I will speak to the prisoner alone."

Frigga withdrew and Loki walked on. He was chained hand and foot, treated as danger incarnate. He came to the end of the hall and stood tall, blue eyes piercing into Odin's soul. Then he unexpectedly laughed. "I really don't see what all the fuss is about."

Odin glowered at Loki's flippancy. His heart thumped at Loki's lack of repentance. "Do you not truly feel the gravity of your crimes?" _You invaded another realm! To kill and destroy! You denied all you were raised to be!_ "Wherever you go there is war, ruin, death." _Feel something!_

"I went down to Midgard to rule the people of earth as a benevolent god...just like you."

Odin swallowed a derisive laugh. "We are not gods. We are born, we live, we die, just as humans do." _Did you hear nothing I taught you? You were supposed to protect them!_

"Give or take five thousand years."

 _This does not matter!_ _Did you want power so much that you made humans nothing?_ "All this because Loki desires a throne."

"It is my birthright!" This was said with conviction and Odin started at the sudden thought that followed: _You are not my son._

Odin snapped, angry at Loki's assumption and his own intrusive thought. "Your birthright...was to die!" He took a couple quick breaths, then spoke more calmly. "As a child...cast out onto a frozen rock." _I saved you! You were my son! Does that mean nothing to you?_ Loki only glared. "If I had not taken you in, you would not be here now to hate me."

"If I am for the ax, then for mercy's sake, just swing it."

 _Ah...At least I knew you well enough for this. You do not fear death._

"It's not that I don't love our little talks, it's just...I don't love them."

Odin felt as if Loki had slapped him across the face. All the time he had spent with this one, the laughter they had shared, the thrill of the fight. It meant nothing. _Did it ever?_ Odin gripped Gungnir tightly in his lap. Enough. He did not need to sit here and endure derision. Let judgment fall. "Frigga is the only reason you are still alive and you will never see her again." _Does even she mean something to you? If you hate me, do you hate her?_ "You will spend the rest of your days in the dungeon."

The guards didn't even wait for Odin's permission, so eager were they to cast the traitor away. They pulled back on his chains to lead him away, but Loki shouted. "And what of Thor? You'll make that witless oaf king while I rot in chains?"

 _What choice do you leave me? You were meant to rule beside him, now he will rule alone._ "Thor must strive to undo the damage you have done. He will bring order to the Nine Realms, and then, yes, he will be king."

"You should have let me die in Jotunheim," Loki spat out.

Odin closed his eye slowly. Loki meant to wound and his arrow found its target. Odin fought the impulse to careen down the steps, take Loki by the shoulders, shake him and shout, _"I loved you! How could you turn on us, on the realms? Why?"_ Instead, he opened his eye and waved his hand to the guards. "Go. His jailers have been instructed and await his arrival."

The guards pulled Loki away from the throne. Odin watched and his eye grew uncomfortably wet. He blinked again. The doors opened. Frigga appeared, Thor next to her, and grasped Loki's arm. Odin lifted Gungnir from his lap, hating he had to hurt her further. "Frigga!" he called.

There was some quick conversation from Loki. Odin called again, "Thor! Frigga!"

His son and his wife approached and stopped where Loki had stood.

Odin looked sternly on Frigga. She had to hear him now. He had been able to spare Loki as she asked, but she must suffer the alternative. "I have ordered the guards not to allow you passage into the dungeon. Solitude is his punishment. Do not alleviate it."

Frigga balked. "Do not ask me this."

Odin's anger flared and he jerked to a stand. "He has been responsible for destruction and death on Midgard! A realm under my protection that I was unable to protect! His crimes are heinous, unforgivable. He will suffer living if he does not suffer death. This will be his recompense for the grief he has caused to those on Midgard who now have lost father and mother and brother and sister. Their pain must be repaid."

Frigga's eyes blazed.

Odin's jaw trembled and he turned to Thor before he lost control. "Take the Tesseract to Heimdall. With it you may restore Bifrost entirely."

Thor's eyes widened, but he bowed his head submissively. "Yes, father."

"Now both of you, leave me." Odin watched his wife and son retreat. He began to shake. He dropped Gungnir, letting the staff clatter to the floor. He collapsed back into the throne, his elbow on the armrest, his head in his hand. Who had that been, the criminal brought before him? Who had he judged?

" _You should have let me die in Jotunheim."_ Hadn't Odin thought this very thing? But he hadn't meant it to sting. He had meant that Loki would have been spared this-disappointment, rejection, and judgment. Odin felt sudden wetness, a tear escaping his control. He brushed his cheek and as he did recalled a time Thor and Frigga had been elsewhere and Loki alone had met him returning from battle. The four year old had raced towards him, shoving others out of his way. Odin had grinned, kneeled, and caught the prince that flew into his arms. Loki had stroked his beard and laughed.

Odin's eye fell on Gungnir abandoned on the floor. Destiny had not allowed him to be simply father. He was Allfather and as Allfather, he must lay aside all grief. He had to be what he was born to be.

Odin stood and retrieved Gungnir from the floor. He stared at the doors to the throne room now closed. He had judged a traitor and betrayer, nothing more or less. His concern must turn to Asgard and the restoration of the realms. _You must die to me. You have rejected me. No longer are you my son. You are what you were born to be. Loki...Laufeyson._

Odin tightened his hold on Gungnir, descended the throne steps, and left the throne room to find Thor.


End file.
